Hope for the Sojourn + A New Way to Read

“O Star of Wonder,

Give my daughter the gift of wonder. The gift of a curious soul.

The gift of not needing all the answers.

Spare her the suffocation of closed-mindedness and the loneliness of arrogance.”

— Shannon K. Evans, Feminist Prayers for My Daughter (emphasis mine)

That prayer packs a punch, y’all. Especially for a recovering fundamentalist like me.¹

I read it and had to pause for a few deep breaths. To remind myself that I have learned to breathe more freely. To grieve the suffocation and loneliness of years past. And to lean into the hope for freedom and belovedness in growing measure for all eternity.

For me and my daughters.

***

Apparently, next year will be TWENTY YEARS since I graduated high school. I recently told my husband that I’d be more interested in a college reunion than a high school one — because I feel like college me (except for freshman year) is so much more recognizable than high school me to my current self. There are so many things I remember and cringe.

• The judgment for going to parties & drinking. Cringe.
• The chastening I delivered to my freshman Bible study co-leader who dared to use the NLT translation instead of the white-theobro-mandated ESV. Double Cringe.
• The refusal to attend most social gatherings of a club I was in so that I could be “set apart” I guess? Maybe I wasn’t 21 yet but either way, I was super-awkward about alcohol and those who partook. Cringe.
• The theological superiority and certainty I’m sure carried myself with that probably reeked of pride and judgment to Christians who weren’t yet enlightened to the ‘beauty’ of Reformed theology². Infinite Cringe.

See? I’m sure there’s so much more that could be added to the list.

The thing that pains me about high school relationships is that I just haven’t kept up with them. They were some of the ones I basically burned bridges with when I went off to college and didn’t party. They haven’t really gotten to see the ‘me’ that’s come up for air and spaciousness and hopefully become a more loving and joyful version of myself. I think those who knew me throughout college got to see at least some of the pivots that began to set me free. And I’m still in touch with handfuls of those friends and acquaintances so part of me feels like — maybe they’ll see some of my writing as confessions and apologies.

Because I’m deeply sorry for many of the ways I carried myself in the world then. I was a suffocating person dragging others down with me.

***

I know there are ways I am still and will always be learning to breathe even more deeply and freer. I believe the Christian life is, as C.S. Lewis so beautifully portrayed it, a journey of further up and further in — sojourning towards the beauty and glory and joy of experiencing relationship with our Triune God.

But Holy Spirit, please (please, please, please) spare my daughters the “suffocation of closed-mindedness and the loneliness of arrogance.” Help me and Aubrey to nourish a curiosity and acceptance of uncertainty and excitement about the mysteries in our faith.

And may we also gently invite others to a gloriously free hope for the sojourn.

Amen.

Thanks for reading my words. Recently, I’ve been enjoying reading other folks words over on Substack. I’ve started posting there, if you’d like to join. For a while, I’ll probably double-post and I will let you know if I ever decide to let this site go.

1. I frequently identify this way for in-person conversations but I’m not sure thrown this term around in writing yet. Christian fundamentalism is surely a spectrum, but based on the way I was taught to interpret the Bible literally and apply it in black-and-white terms to all of life, I think it’s officially fair. I do also like to caveat that my perfectionistic tendencies fed into this and made me a bit of a “reformed theology fundamentalist fanatic” — so THAT’s what I’ve been recovering from the last 13 years. . . ↩︎
2. So, I suppose I still hold to some technically Reformed doctrines, but my goodness do lots of Reformed folks have a serious cultural issue of pride that sucks the joy from any room in which they’re discussing theology (at least with anyone who disagreed with them). Attending RTS-Orlando was actually enlightening in the sense that I was experiencing professors who were, like, ‘super Reformed’ AND were gentle and humble. It gave me the impression that a little Reformed theology is sort of dangerous, while a lot (or a deeper understanding that comes with some intellectual humility) can be beautiful. ↩︎